Item: 13 Essential Pumpkin Carving Tools
Source: Martha Stewart
The Pitch: Once you’ve found a smooth, symmetrical pumpkin, it becomes all about the tools. Look beyond the knife drawer to implements intended for other uses — say, a melon baller or a keyhole saw. The following items will make quick work of the task at hand.

That’s right, there are thirmotherbleepingteen tools essential to your pumpkin carving experience this Halloween. Because you know who carves a pumpkin with one janky steak knife that they find in the bottom of the utensil drawer? Hobos, that’s who. Approximate cost of the tools recommended is $78.41. Helpfully, the pitch advises that we look for implements intended for other uses, which at least gives us the benefit of the doubt that we’ve not already taken leave of our senses and kitted ourselves out with a drawer full of dedicated pumpkin-carving tools. Did you know that in ye olden days they used to kill, bleed, gut and butcher a pig with approximately 11 fewer tools than Martha says are necessary to carve a pumpkin? Idiots. No wonder they all got the plague.

For more Why the Terrorists Hate Us Friday, hit the archives.