urlI’ve never read this book. But unless the answer is vodka, unapologetic BRAVO TV watching for escape and eating your feelings, it’s total baloney.

5:45 a.m.-Wake up to go to Bikram class. Daughter wakes up too and demands snuggles. There goes Bikram.
6-Cancel class reservation and go to gym instead.
7:15-Come home, relaxed, invigorated, ready to take on the world, pour bowl of cereal.
7:16-Realize with panic that it’s parent-teacher conference day at daughter’s school, and our appointment is in 90 minutes.
7:17-Realize with additional panic that I’m supposed to supply the fruit salad for the related teacher appreciation lunch today, grab car keys and race to CVS praying there’s some sort of edible fruit in the refrigerator case. No time for cereal!
7:25-Stare at CVS fruit options and determine that the good people at CVS Corporate don’t have a great deal of respect for our town’s college students who are inclined to eat healthfully. Grab the best of the bunch.
7:45-8:10 Return home and frantically whip up Pinterest-worthy platter of peanut butter dip with apple slices and grapes. “Oh you think these are just regular old grapes? Well what if I put five of them in a mini pink polka dotted paper cup and put a number of those adorable cups on a Tiffany-blue tray? BAM! PINTEREST, MOTHERF—–S!”
8:15-8:30 I’ve now got a whole 15 minutes to shower, get dressed and make myself look presentable. This is why I will get to work and realize I do not have on actual shoes.
8:45-Parent-teacher conference. Beam and grin for 15+ minutes while the teacher says things about daughter that I want to have tattooed in their entirety across my clavicle because seriously she’s my little angel dumpling rainbow unicorn sprinkle of joy and how could you not love this kid? One highlight of their 15-page report: In the “Dramatic Play” area of the classroom one day she and another buddy decided to play mama and papa having a date night. They dropped their baby off with “Aunt” and then went to a restaurant — complete with place settings that they set up — took pictures (date night selfies!), and talked about their jobs.
9:15-Enough beaming. Race to work.
9:25-Gas tank on empty. Stop for gas.
9:35-Child’s stomach on empty. Stop for bagels (Yes, of course it was really a donut.)
10:15-Arrive 10 minutes late. Head directly into in-progress meeting.
10:16-Look down. Realize the shoe thing.

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