Not sure when, but at some point in the past few years, Restoration Hardware became the company that appeared to be modeling its aesthetic and marketing pitch on a Bergman film. And not his zany sex farce period, either, but the ones where everyone’s very serious and very Swedish.

For most of the year this doesn’t pose much of a problem. Life is grim these days so having an $8,999 bed constructed of a whale’s bleached bones just makes sense, you know? But at the holidays, Restoration Hardware has to somehow perk things up a bit to get you to buy crap for your family and friends. This year though, (deep sigh), you guys? 

They just.
can’t.
even.

Let’s take a peek at how everyone’s favorite homegoods outpost is putting on a holiday happy face!

Sad Robe Couple is Sad
You probably shouldn’t have had that affair with the hostess in the Hamptons this summer. It became uncomfortable when the fall came ’round and the wind blew colder over the dunes, bending the tall grass just so against the greying sky. Some day we’ll laugh again I suppose. Regardless, these robes are very comfortable. It was thoughtful of your secretary to purchase them for us.photo 4

Holiday Pajama Time Sister Fun
“Is he still seeing her?” “I don’t know.” “Do you think there’s any gluten-free eggnog left in the refrigerator?” “Dammit, Jillian, I don’t know. Christ, would you lay off with the questions?” “I miss Nana and PopPop.” “Me, too, Jillian. Me, too.”photo 1 (1)

Holiday Time is a Flat Circle
It’s Christmas! In Carcosa! Nothing says it’s time for the birth of the king of Israel like decor fashioned by the King in Yellow.photo 1

Holiday Carols
At this point in the catalog, Restoration Hardware lightens the mood with a plug for new sister act Larkin Poe. Their music sounds like this catalogue looks. It sounds…greige. And as an added bonus they’re actually related to noted laugh-a-minute writer Edgar Allan Poe. In Restoration Hardware world this is like finding a $20 bill on the sidewalk and then having your McMansion’s jumbo loan mortgage refinanced at a lower rate all in the same day.photo 4 (1)

Christmas is Going to the Dogs
You’d be sad, too, if you were made to sit atop a pile of beds designed to look like they skinned your mother to make them. So this is dog. Much sads.photo 2

These dogs are also sad. They’re covered in fur, and yet, that wasn’t enough for Restoration Hardware. They’re meant to wear more fur it seems. More. More. More. All that fur can’t bring happiness. Sigh…photo 3

I, Robot. I Struggle with Depression.
Hey, where’d all this color come from all of a sudden? It’s freaking Sad Cubebot out, man! Jesus, tone it down a notch, red Etch A Sketch! STFU, Rubik’s Cube! Cubebot just lost his best friend in a freak Goodwill donation bag mixup and doesn’t need to be processing all this saturation of hues right now! ARGGHHHH!photo 1 (2)

Giant Vintage Chess Set
For the friend who has everything. Except, it appears, another friend with whom to play chess. photo 5

You Can Never Go Wrong with Framed Photos
How about a picture frame with a photo of a worker in grinding poverty hauling a back-breaking sack of grain that will be used to make food he will then sell at a market to others to try to scrape together enough at the end of the day to feed his own children? So pretty!photo 3 (1)

The Hot and the Cold Are Just So Intense/Put ‘Em Together
They Just Make Sense
Finally someone’s having a little fun in a Restoration Hardware catalog! Look at that smile. Well guess what, motherf*cker, this is a Restoration Hardware catalog and you’re about to melt. Over and over and over. Talk about time being a flat circle, Olaf.photo 2 (2)

And Then Put a Bow On It
Because brown paper packages tied up with string may meet the requisite neutrality laws of Restoration Hardware, but they don’t convey the necessary menacing undertone for which the company is ever striving. If you want that kind of cozy twee pretension, you haul your tuchus over to Anthropologie, mister. At Restoration Hardware, every gift should look as if it may contain a limited-edition Beretta or a subpoena.
photo 3 (2)

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